blagconic

the end

2006-09-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

where is he now? (other than in my dreams)

2006-09-08T08:10:00.000-07:00

two nights ago, i had a vivid dream about dave's boss, ned. he was the "older man" in the relationship (i have no idea how old he is, except that he's the oldest tabblo employee, while dave is the youngest, and that they sit in the same room...which tabblo staff thinks is hilariously ironic). he was also a sort of "free spirit" who wouldn't COMMIT to me, though we clearly were in love and lived in the same house, had intense conversations, etc. etc. hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. i wonder what it MEANS.

coincidentally, the object of my "fantasy" recently blogged about a way to tell how many people have dreamed about you. (well, maybe we should all just keep blogging about it, ned!)

though my dream is clearly a reversal of my current situation (i'm not stupid, ya know!)... the dream-relationship hearkens back to [a very idealized version of] my first non-committal relationship with a very free-spirited guy named Jeff. he lived in a one-room apt. above the coffee shop/bar he worked at and was wickedly addicted to some sort of drug (i don't know that he ever told me). he was uber-fascinating to my innocent self at the time (i'd just gotten my first "downtown" studio apartmetn) and i loved to just sit and listen to him talk about anything and everything. he was from california and was always talking about going back there...which just added to his elusiveness, i guess. the drug also made him wicked paranoid, which i interpreted as an exciting form of jealousy. ;)

i like to pretend the last time i saw him was the time he came over to my apartment unannounced after i had "moved on" and i successfully turned down his advances. but--in reality--the last time i saw him he was walking down the street in this ritzy neighborhood i nannied in. i was driving my car with the youngest of the two boys in the back seat and pulled over to say hi...ended up giving him a ride somewhere, though i can't remember where... i could tell he thought the kid was mine (speaking of coincidences, the kid did look a lot like me for being no relation) but said nothing to explain why i was with a kid or even say he wasn't mine. i don't even think i told him why i was in the ritzy neighborhood. in actuality, i was never really honest with jeff. though i'd have to say he was the first person (not to mention lover) that was truly honest (i.e. himself) with me.

finally, a finale

2006-08-25T10:51:00.000-07:00

as god or shakespeare or someone said: It IS Finished.

dave and i broke up (for realz) last night. this is how the [pen]ultimate conversation went:

me: i don't know what to say.
him: me either.
**silence**
me: (hem, haw, hem, haw) i guess we should break up.
him: yep.
me: starts crying...
him: what? (looks back at computer screen)

lest i had any doubts: he really is an asshole!! at least i learned that!

but seriously...

it occurs to me (after reading through his blog entries tagged "love" and "sentimental" that i wasn't really anything new for him. i mean, it's not like he's had a lot of lame relationships and then found his one true thing in me. he was basically sitting around, hoping for nothing, and met me--at which point he fell hopelessly in love with me like he [apparently] has any other woman/girl/female that showed him any attention (with the exception of fucking judy, a non-attraction i just cannot figure out). and he never did use that Other cliche on me: I've never felt this before (like I did). so, yeah, this IS going to seem redundant for him. he is going to think he didn't do anything wrong. i mean a pattern isn't really a pattern after 1 or 2 times; it has to be enough that the person wakes up and wants out of the pattern.

of course, for me, it was new. i did say: I've never felt this before. and i meant it. but the breakup is (unfortunately) routine as they come. i do everything in my power to make the person realize they aren't happy and, eventually, realize i'm no longer happy and break up with the person. this time around, all it took was reading over my journal entries from the past 18 months (i don't write in it that often) and realizing i've actually been truly unhappy for a good 6 months. bada bing. bada boom. i can't argue with the written word, not even my own. so, he had to go.

who am i most disappointed with? myself for once again not listening to my own needs? or him for being immature and inexperienced and basically an asshole? i give up. you decide. but i need to stop dating youngsters and the socially inept if i'm ever to have an equal ally in this battle called l-u-v.

i've erased everything electronic that existed of dave (did you know emails get saved on your hard drive??? even after you delete them???) but, of course, the memories will linger. sure, i could focus on the good. but what's the point? to learn that every now and then life gives us just a teensy tiny sip of the sugaryist-sweetest lemonade there is? no thanks. i'd rather wallow in disgust at the ridiculous failure dave and i's relationship was. it seems even when both people try their darndest to be good and honest, it still just doesn't work out sometimes. that seems to be worthy of rumination until the cows come home.

just when you think life is perfect, you realize you're actually fucking miserable

2006-08-17T09:02:00.000-07:00

i've been in this place before. i will be here again. my one caveat is that i told you that it would be this way--that i would always be honest.

so, here's the deal with always being honest. it fucking hurts. it hurts me (which is why i sometimes avoid my feelings for prolonged periods of time) and it hurts those around me (because they delusionally think that because i go to work every day with a smile on my face i am FINALLY "happy") and it hurts you (because you really don't know what honesty is, except as a thing to be desired). but the point is not "to be happy," and it is certainly not to smile every day...it is, well, to Live My True Life.
it's the only thing i ask others to let me do, and it's the only thing i ask others to do.

so why is it so hard??

because we are programmed to do exactly the opposite. it is hardwired in our genes (for millions of years back) and we are socially conditioned to "pretend" like we are happy in the life we're living, OR (even worse) to continue to strive for some sort of happiness that we "think" we need when it isn't what will make us feel fulfilled.

so...when we are in relationships with people we love, we bring a few preconceived notions/misconceptions to the table, and (in my case anyway) it ends up destroying the relationship. why can't i just be me? and you just be you? and us still be together??? BECAUSE we are conditioned to think it's not-okay if we love each other but don't live together.

why??? ...because couples on TV and the movies live together if they're in love? ...or because our parents (who fell out of love, anyway) no longer live together? ...or because we are so happy when we're together that we feel the need to be together all the time? ...or because...fill in the blanks...dot dot dot...ad infinitum.

like i said, i felt all of this before. and--that time--i blamed the other person. or at least used the excuse that he wasn't what i wanted. now i'm being honest (get ready-- it's going to hurt): i Want you and i also Want to be myself (someone who can't live with a partner right now) and i Want a baby and i Want to go to grad school and i Want to stay in my job and i Want to write 14 hours a week and i Want to go away on the weekends for much-needed respite and i Want to live in a house that isn't falling apart and i Want to be surrounded by my support system and i Want to be with someone who knows all of that and is okay with all of that and still wants to be with me.

ouch. does your brain hurt as much as mine? well, good. because it's the good kind of ouch. the kind that questions everything you've ever been told or you've ever read or you've ever thought a relationship was about. it's the kind of pain that makes you (...and me...and everyone we know) a better (e.g. more honest) person.

having a nervous breakdown

2006-08-03T16:48:00.000-07:00

i've come a long way with my anxiety/depression. i pretty much know when i'm hitting my breaking point, and i also know that there's virtually nothing i can do [currently] to change the factors in my life that are stressing me out enough to make me have a nervous breakdown.

however, i am [at least] glad that i've saved enough money to be able to get away when i need to. and i'm glad that i have someone to go away with me, even though it drives him bonkers when i'm feeling bonkers.

will the "get out of the city" tactic work forever? i don't know. maybe. isn't this what they did with all the "crazy" ladies back in virginia woolf's time? actually, people--sane and insane alike--have been escaping to the country in hot, summer months for longer than that even. i guess i'm just like everyone else, past and present. in the future, they'll be probably escaping to other planets. but i'll settle for vermont this weekend.

update on the RMV fiasco

2006-08-02T17:47:00.000-07:00

i got my permit. (whew!)

i had to argue semantics with the "manager" at the watertown RMV, because he didn't want to let me use my divorce decree as proof of signature because it was more than 30 days old. hmmmm. let's see: has my signature changed since i got divorced? NO, YOU DIMWIT. it's pretty much the same as it always has been. geez...

anyway, i wore him down like my 12th grade english teacher taught me to (my genius at B.S.ing it THE reason i excelled in high school) until he finally signed at the bottom--illegibly, i might add; good thing he's not the one getting a new bumhole ripped open just because he wants to do something LEGAL, like DRIVE.

after that, it was blue skies. it took me all of 15 seconds to get 14 answers right and i pre-paid for my road test, so i actually never have to enter an RMV ever again. well...until i get that hottie roadster i'm eyeing.

p.s. i'll c.c. ya on the letter i'm sending to the Lt. Guv and Ms. Registrar. it's sure to make great changes in the world that is massachusetts bureaucracy (and i still can't spell this word without looking it up!)

the [bureaucratic] bell jar

2006-07-31T12:56:00.000-07:00

so, i have been participating in this thing we call the "real world" (for lack of a better term) for two years now, or however long it has been since i left marcus to move in w/ lakay, and what do i get for it? nothing...

two years of working 9 - 5 (with a few excursions, i know...but mostly nose to the goddamned grind and overtime with no pay); building my knowledge of the work i'm doing and the world in which i'm doing it; maintaining, if not elevating, my relationships with co-workers; managing a dual relationship with my boss/best friend without quitting or running away; working my ass off to fix other people's mistakes while taking full blame for the mistakes i make also working my ass off to fix those; putting up with the complete bullshit fucking corporate philosophies of the tired-out, weak of heart and distorted in vision leaders of our "little nonprofit"...and for what??? so that i can bring home a paycheck that barely allows for my rent and credit card bills, let alone buying a car, putting money in savings, or taking vacation (not that i have earned time to take one)

two years of paying taxes, walking to work or carpooling, participating in urban renewal (lids on those trash cans, ladies!), paying timely rent to stingy and psychotic landlords/ladies, refraining from littering, frequenting local businesses, attending community fairs, signing leases, aggreeing to paperless statements, paying bills, late fees, parking citations, tow fees, and anything else that showed up at my door, building credit, smiling at neighbors and co-workers, using up bandwidth, downloading stuff legally--i even fucking voted for christ's sake...a bourgeois pasttime i have hence been fanatically against--and for WHAT PURPOSE may i ask?

so that some lady who's in a bad mood because some other lady walked her dog on the wrong side of the lawn this morning can deny my application to take a written driving test because the god forsaken state of Arkansas that i was stupid enough to get married in does not list actual dates of birth on their marriage certificates...

um, bureaucracy fucking sucks, yo. i hate the word so much i had to look it up to make sure i typed it correctly and got this lovely definition: "An administrative system in which the need or inclination to follow rigid or complex procedures impedes effective action: innovative ideas that get bogged down in red tape and bureaucracy."

bogged down...i am so fucking bogged down by the fucking state(s) of mass, missouri and fucking god-forsaken arkansas right now that it is not even funny.

meanwhile, i finish reading plath's the bell jar and realize: WTF. i do not have it that bad. yet, it takes less to bog me down than it did sylvia. sylvia was a fucking genious. i am just some stupid bitch trying to get through life with a car that is my own.

really? that is such an unrealistic goal?

i gave up writing the great american novel; i gave up traveling the world with my sweetie; i gave up balking society and societal persecution (e.g. paying bills and voting in america). i gave up sweet freedom...all so two years down the road, i could try my pearly-white best to fit into said society by becoming a consumerist, capitalist pig and driving to work and: it is just not going to happen.

i can only liken the wave of depression that hits me every time i leave the RMV to eating good, fiber-ridden meals for two years of my life and then not being able to poop it all out. it's useless--a waste--the point of eating is pooping!! but not in the land of bureaucracy. that is where they fool you. eat, drink and be merry, but whatever you do, don't try to gain any personal satisfaction from your lifestyle. don't try to take control of your own life or anything. and--whatever you do--don't take a shit without having 25 forms of personal identification and a fat sample of your DNA.

suck my dick, massachusetts. i will soon be moving to new hampshire to live [and die] freely as i please without your bureaucratic fucking dick up my ass all the time.

peace. out.

holy cow

2006-07-24T20:21:00.000-07:00

send me your boston cow sightings!

never blog when it's raining

2006-07-22T16:46:00.000-07:00

i sit at home moping because i don't have a car and can't go where i want to go without wheeling, dealing and cajoling someone into taking me there or picking me up from there, etc. etc. and find this quiz one someone else's blog.

Your Ideal Relationship is Polyamory

You want to have your cake... and everyone else's.
Which isn't a bad thing, if everyone else gets to eat too!
You're too much of a free spirit to be tied down by a traditional relationship.
You think relationships should be open and free, with few restrictions.

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

hmmmmmmmm. what does it all MEAN???

actually, i'm mostly "happy." i just want a raise, a car and, um, lots of other stuff i don't have that i'm too pissy to even blog about right now. but...i haven't blogged in a while and this isn't what i intended my comeback blog to be about, so...pardon me. i'll stop now.

laconic sighting

2006-07-15T10:40:00.000-07:00

new tattoo. (photo taken by dave, of course)

Tabblo has Taken over our lives

2006-06-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

See my Tabblo>

FENWAY

2006-06-22T19:10:00.000-07:00

we spent the first day of summer at the best baseball stadium in the country...

dearest fans

2006-06-20T18:23:00.000-07:00

my mom wants an update on my life. and since i'm pretty sure she doesn't read my blog, i figure this'll be a good test-run. so...here's the scoop:

A) i did not get the job at NNAF. (i hope my boss/best friend doesn't read this blog either). i'm not usually one to give up so easily; but i'm also not usually one to apply for jobs i'm not qualified for (can't take the rejection). so, i'd like to take this opportunity to figure out how i can stay at PPLM and make more money/improve my resume. coincidentally, my best friend/boss is attending an off-site meeting tomorrow to discuss reorganizing our department with her boss...and she knows (because she asked) what i need in order to stay. not that i'm out tomorrow or anything...but i [hope i've] made it clear that i am sooooo underpaid. i think my exact adjective was grossly.

B) dave and i are thinking about going to couples therapy. how do i feel about this? well, i really don't want to go. worse than that, i don't want to be the type of couple or person who has to go to therapy to keep their relationship alive. unfortunately, i don't see another way out of this. we've both agreed we want to be together and we both agree a lot of the time we are together is not-so-good and we want it to be better. so...? therapy. i have some history in this, mostly good but a couple bad therapists...and there are the logistics of whose insurance pays or do we do a split insurance option or something... well, obviously there is research to be done in this area. it was just a bright idea i had last weekend when my sister said she hoped our "break-up" didn't become a "drag-on-for-three-years" kinda thing and my gut reaction was something like i hope this drags on for the rest of our lives [not the anger, the relationship], because i don't want to be without him.

C) i get my MFA later this month. hope to see you at the par-tay. 'nuff said.
p.s. i don't want any money!!!! seriously!!! all i want is to hang out with my friends!!!

D) i have a new office, new hair and, obviously, a new addiction.

E) lastly, we still have bentley, the cat. (he's not as mean as he looks.)

Jamaica - February 2005

2006-06-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

See my Tabblo>

Femme for a Weekend

2006-06-14T17:49:00.000-07:00

last saturday was my first PRIDE march ever. sooo fun. all the gays loved my outfit, and i do believe i was the femmeiest femme there is in my pink high heels ("and you're not even gay!" was my fave comment of the day). well, i'm sure the rain messed up some pre-planned outfits...

but hey--now i have a cold. and they probably don't. also, my first "GF" broke up with me about 10 minutes into our appropriately-dramatic dance-floor relationship. and my best friend and boyfriend LEFT ME FOR DINNER at the dyke march. *sigh*

so being a femme has its ups and downs [so far]...

Starry Starry Night

2006-05-26T06:09:00.000-07:00

last night, the wife and i went to hear tom brady speak at
Starry Starry Night,
a CityYear fundraiser.

for once we didn't bitch that much about work...
instead, we eavesdropped on others bitching about work and flirted with our good buddy, matthew.

it wasn't long before we realized City Year is somehow connected to the army and the government, which made us regret attending. but, the tender steak and delicious polenta more than made up for it!

the train ride home left a lot to be desired (i think it was the guy's first time driving PERIOD), but other than that, the night was a smash.

unfortunately, i still don't know what the hell City Year is...

... See my Tabblo>

good times and weird lyrics

2006-05-24T11:44:00.000-07:00

listening to the eels for a frist time in loooooooong time.

i never did figure out these lyrics...

Next time if you think of it
You might remember me as
The one who let you down
But never made another
Sound of fear

regardless: I LOVE ME SOME EELS.

not only are the lyrics so wack that they're true, the CD reminds me of those few months were everything was warm (outside) and good (isnide): living on church street, dave driving around shirtless, and hot, sweaty sex. no cat hair or cat poop smell; no dirty dishes in the sink (well, at least they weren't mine...); no dripping faucets; no Salsa-Til-Ya-Droppa.

sure, it was messy...but a different kind of mess. a less-hassle of a mess. but when the party's over...

s.p.a.c.e. ...or what will keep me in boston???

2006-05-22T06:57:00.000-07:00

it's been over 4 years now (?) and i'm still here. up until recently, i've thought of boston as the only place i've lived where i haven't wanted to live somewhere else. but it seems i was giving myself too much credit. after all, 4 years isn't that long (in the grand scheme of things).

now,

well,

i kinda want to

*move*

BUT

i read back over my journal of yore (i.e. when i was married) and guess what? things haven't changed that much (well, except for the being married part). i always have these schemes in my head of where my life is going and how i'm going to get there. mind you, these are not silly daydreams or wishful thinking: i really think i'm going to do these things. whether it's opening up a small business (coffee shop, bookstore, copy/shipping place) or owning a writing center for children, i've always got something brewing in my brain and i've always got a 5-year timeline to getting it too.

since coming to boston (well, since i haven't been married), i haven't had the luxury to think up such schemes. though the "planner" in me hasn't completely died, i've just been too busy to sit around and think, "huh, what do i want to *do* with my life now???". instead, i've been--well--doing it. i've accomplished a few things: building my resume in women's health (going on 4 years now...); getting my BA in English and my MFA in Creative Writing; establishing credit and saving money (yes--me!--saving money!!!); gaining, maintaining and, even, strengthening relationships with my family and friends. please note: none of these were even daydreams when i was back "planning" my life away.

what was that about moving from boston, again??? am i stupid, you ask?

well, not exactly...i'm just bored. it sounds trite, i know. but i don't like to be bored (read that in the whiniest of all possible whiney voices...). not only do i not like to be bored, being bored is one of my key stressors/depressors. not good.

so, to bring this together: how do i stay in boston, without being bored, honor the accomplishments i've listed above, and DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE???

simple: S.P.A.C.E. (this acronym currently doesn't mean anything; i'm open to suggestions).

my vision is to open a gallery called "space" which will house artwork meant to highlight or change womens' "plots" in life, and also will double as a space for fundraising events to benefit women, especially women artists. i also hope it will become a space for readings, lectures, small house concerts (?) and other cultural events. i also hope it can be a nonprofit. i also hope i can utilize my expertise around insurance and interest in women's healthcare. i also hope all my friends and family will want to be a part of it!!! lots of hopes...

i figure this will combine my penchant for owning my own business while being involved in the art and writing community, and allow me to stay in boston (where else would such a nonprofit really flourish?)... and if i kill this whole boredome thing in the "starting a nonprofit" process, so be it. based on the research i've done so far, not being bored seems to be a given.

so, yeah: time to get to work on that 5-year timeline.

why don't i work anymore?

2006-05-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

adult onset ADD?

i hate my job?

i'm bored, and thus, not motivated/challenged?

i hate my employers?

it's fucking freezing in here and all i can think about is going home and hiding under the covers?

friendster sucks!

i don't believe in the mission

or "safe, legal and rare"

i need to call EAP

times they are a changin'...

not enough GPTW/employee recognition???

(yawn)

$ doesn't motivate me?

need a vacay?

too much cake?

i hate my employers?

i hate my employers?

i hate my employers

oversimplifying, i know

2006-05-06T18:42:00.000-07:00

it occurs to me that people who take pictures get off pretty easy. they take a bunch, post them on a website, and everyone knows what's inside their head. but i have to think--and, sometimes, it just ain't working.

that's all. just wanted to vent.

2006-04-03T07:43:00.000-07:00

the B Gang... a little pride in your work can go a long way!

hopaura sighting

2006-03-27T08:38:00.000-08:00

even though this is referencing the "actual" artist and not little ol' me--it still makes me feel like people are reading my words.

word

epiphany?

2006-03-22T07:55:00.000-08:00

i think i figure out what's "wrong" with my leon story (despite P.K.'s sentiments that my stories are FINE!).

i love this story--the plot, the main character, the ideas i'm trying to relate through the situation, and--especially--the setting. the Memphis International Airport, man! it doesn't get better than that! but, in concentrating on all of this, as well as achieving a distant 3rd person limited narration (something i DO think is present), i forgot one crucial element of storytelling: being inside the head of a character. i was just re-reading it this morning, and the language is actually too-distant. not only are there sentiments in the narration that leon wouldn't think, there are sentiments i wouldn't think. because of this, the reader does not "get" who this leon guy is. the odd thing about writing is that i totally get it. i know leon (i modeled him after someone i knew, so that part was kinda easy) and i get leon. but i didn't let the reader get to know him.

after writing a 10,000 word story from roy's POV, i think i can do this now with leon. the difficulty will be keeping it from a 3rd Person POV while still being close to leon. but just by reading the first page, i see how i can do it... i need to really bring in the jazz, not just in a musical way, though that should be there, but the language of jazz needs to permeate the story. leon loved his grandfather, even if leon is not Buddy Bolden, he thinks in musical terms, because that's how his grandfather thought. i do think one more scene could help: a positive/learning interaction between Doc and leon...but i also think that bringing in music metaphors and making leon a little more "smoothe" will also help. i just have to get inside his head.

how do i do this? well, obviously i'm not a middle-aged black man from memphis, and i wasn't brought up in a culture of jazz. so i don't think that way naturally. but, hey, neither is michael ondaajte and he achieved exactly what i'm going for in Coming Through Slaughter. i definitely need to re-read that. i'm thinking a good activity will be circling his verbs...

(...and i thought this story was "done" ...yikes!)

why read?

2006-03-06T14:51:00.000-08:00

People don't read novels to find out about the writer; they read them, I think, to enter a self-contained world where, magically enough, they stumble upon themselves. -- lowry pei (a former writing teacher of mine and a prolific and intelligent writer to boot)

last semester, A.J. Verdelle and i had a little bit of a disagreement (shock!) over why readers read [fiction]. while she claimed the "whole point" of fiction is to ""to see people get through what we don't have the courage, or the tolerance for drama, to face"; while i hoped maybe that is a part of it but not All. to which she then wondered, well, what is my take?

i'm not sure i know. if i don't know why i write (oops--did i say that out loud?) then how can i go on to figuring out why others would read [me]? of course AJ was being dramatic and making a point like only she can because she felt i was avoiding conflict in the story at hand. to be fair, i must admit: she was right about that. anytime i write about paternal relationships, i end up not writing about paternal relationships.

i much prefer the way lowry puts it. maybe because i'm a wimp and he's placing the emphasis on the Reader instead of ME. for more on his thoughts about writing fiction, definitely check out his essay: Someone Else's Memories. he seems to be taking the "conflict/depth" argument--which the "why do we read" argument stemmed from--to yet another level. or maybe, it's just another way of looking at the same problem.

at least, he's confirming what AJ implied, and it's [finally] hitting home. i must write not what's merely difficult to write, but what's impossible to write, the thing that begs and pleads: "Don't Write Me, Charrolee; You can't handle it. You aren't good enough. You haven't explored me enough. You don't know enough about yourself (let alone your father) to write me."

ouch. and i thought living an honest life was tough.

help!

2006-03-02T07:01:00.000-08:00

i can't decide...

DADDY! BUY ME THIS LOFT! ...NOW!

2006-02-28T09:42:00.000-08:00

perfect home for a laconic and her lover (and her lover's lover...). christina: i do.

Plan B was approved...who gives a flying flip...?

2006-02-19T18:20:00.000-08:00

i am soooo glad Wal-Mart finally approved PLAN B. (in case you didn't catch the tone, it was sarcastic.(

even worse--the organization i've devoted the past five years of my life to thinks this is a "victory."

um, excuse me: has everyone forgotten that Wal-Mart is The Evil Empire when it come's to the welfare of women? the war on women's health from the goliath corporation began long before Plan B was the "hot topic" around the northeast. it began back when--oh, let's just say when wal-mart itself began (i'm too lazy to check facts). wal-mart, like many institutions that call Fayetteville, Arkansas their home, is the essence of anti-woman. of course--they "allow" women to work in the sewing and children's clothes' departments and often encourage women to work in customer service (women are good at handling "problem" customers without pulling out their .22 and shooting someone) and at the McDonald's counter. but that's where the equality stops. wal-mart not only discourages women from moving up in the company, their policies basically prohibit it. what was it i read about wal-mart being on the receiving end of the largest class action suit EVER???? and then there was the one about kathy lee...

not to mention, this whole "maybe they'll go national" thing is disconcerting, if only because it's so naieve. for more on the political climate in places like bumfuck, southern USA, request a copy of my article on being in a red state during the primary elections. sure, sure...we're talking about federal laws--and, i agree, a federal law (or national policy) is the ONLY way a wal-mart in Walnut Grove, Missouri or Paris, Arkansas would agree to serve women Plan B on an over-the-counter platter. but one thing i experienced first hand that many red-blooded blue state citizens don't (can't?) understand is that the law is not always the bottom line; small town instincts come from social and cultural institutions that [morally] override just about anything decided in a courthouse. from their point of view, wal-mart isn't evil, not because wal-mart provides jobs in the community but because they open late on a sunday so their employees can go to morning services.

so, big deal: 3 women in Boston got wal-mart to fold. that has about as much effect on the rest of the world as the beantown gays getting to marry. PLEASE DON'T MISUNDERSTAND: we are fighting the good fight here (yada yada yada) and maybe here is where the fight has to start. but let's not get our panties in a wad, go "all-in" and start frequenting wal-mart every time the condom breaks (unless, of course, wal-mart is the only pharmacy in your town). there are bigger hands to be won before the homeland is free of sexism, patriarchy and the policies that go with it.

V-day, the Femme Mystique and other things i L-U-V to hate

2006-02-14T09:36:00.000-08:00

according to the Femme Mystique (Alyson Publications, June 1995), if i spend hours searching for the right shade of red lipstick, and then spend more hours searching for the right shade of red fingernail polish to match, i am a True Blue Femme. hmmm. i'm thinking: No. BUT, it also claims if i like to wear dresses..... now, that's an area more grey. luckily, there is an option for Androgynous-Femme, which i guess i could fit in, but does this even mean anything if i'm not gay...???

does it mean anything if i am?

does it mean anything if...

anyway, Valentine's Day has recently become my most celebrated not-a-holiday. it's fun to joke around about how silly of a day this is, how it doesn't matter if you have a date whatever whatever and how hallmark created it just to make more money *giggle giggle*. but i've grown tired of those reasons to dislike the day. maybe that happened along with my tiredness of mocking the institutions of love, marriage and all things chocolate as well. (...i didn't say i'm GETTING MARRIED; but, in april, i AM going to a wedding...) even anti-commercialism has recently lost its appeal for me, thanks to the new bed-bath-and-beyond store on mystic valley pkwy.

so, if my distaste for cards that sing when you open them (weren't hallmark cards already cliche enough?) and my refusal to make a reservation for dinner on a TUESDAY NIGHT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE isn't enough to keep the hatred alive, what's it going to be?

"Death By Chocolate" is a good start.

we have a new idealist in one of those high-up clinical/directorial position these days, who seems to think the whole world can be made better if we have some sort of all-you-can-cook contest at least once a month. and if the whole world is better, it only stands to reason our eensy teensy little nonprofit will also be a brtter place to work. naive, you say? maybe. but she's no fraud; she's a professional schmoozer who even has experience working for the big/bad guys (e.g. insurance industry). so, this month's impeccably timed contest takes place today (gasp! is it valentine's day? i didn't even realize...) at 3 PM, at which time everyone will not slit their wrists because they are working here on this Day O' Love but will just *die* over the delicious, yummy, chocolaty goodness that is their coworkers' creations.

it's a good plan our femme fatale came up with and--based on everyone's happy-go-lucky smiles and the baubles of "See You at 3" circulating around the building--it seems to be working. BUT-- Miss GPTW (for those of you who don't work at companies in the running for Top Ten GPTWs...oh how i envy you...GPTW means a "Great Place To Work") forgot one VIP lesson underlings like me keep close at heart:

a great place to work is one that
A)comes up with ways to foster creativity that don't always include HIGH-CARB, HIGH-CHOLESTEROL, HIGH-FAT food groups,
B)celebrates holidays by letting us celebrate AWAY from work, and
C) buys us beer occasionally.

lest you judge, let me beat you to the punch--

how can one so adamantly against holidays of any sort, even the fake ones such as today, request that our GPTW-in-the-running allow us to take the days off? you might also ask: how can i wear red and pink on the same day--on today of all days (Double Gasp)--and still call myself a member of the Androgynous Workgroup, of the Subcommittee "People Against Bogus Holidays," of the Committee "People With Brains and Better Things to do than Bake," of the taskforce "STOP the CHOCOLATE MADNESS"? and the answer is Because I Am Me, which is a less than satisfying answer (believe me, i know...).

my favorite Roseanne episode is the one where she rambles on and on and on about pretty much nothing until she forgets what she was rambling on about in the first place, only to say: "The Point Is...There is no point, Okay?????"

those of you still feeling like you don't know what the hell i'm talking about might not think that's so funny. you might even like to Die by Chocolate later today.

2006-02-10T08:49:00.000-08:00

if only we had remembered to wear our furs!

2006-02-10T08:38:00.000-08:00

aunt lee lee and emma before their big night out: dinner at Vinny T's in lexington and a carriage ride around downtown boston.

Weekend Away

2006-02-09T15:03:00.000-08:00

where i stayed

my room/comfort zone

train ticket home :(

sometimes i forget i'm actually a writer

2006-02-09T07:50:00.000-08:00

but...my article is up.

WHY NO Q?

2006-02-01T09:37:00.000-08:00

g-mail just created a "group" email function, where you can save groups of people you email frequently, rather than individually selecting them each time. way to get on the bandwagon on THAT one, gmail! about 200 lightyears behind...

anyhoo

forgetting i had such a function (because now my brain is Soooooooo G-Mail Programmed), i did my usual "type each letter of the alphabet and see which names come up, and which would be appropriate for my email.' it's laborious, but sometimes useful... i may have forgotten i even HAD someone's email; i may have forgotten someone had more than one email, or that someone had created a *brand spanking new* email address and i'm not supposed to use the old one anymore; i may have forgotten who someone i emailed was (does anyone know a GirlWhirl888@aol.com?); etc. etc.

the point is: in doing all of THIS, i realized the letter Q is severely underused.

just a FAQ: when you use this drop-down function in g-mail, you get a match if the person's first or last name OR the beginning of their email starts with the letter.

so, not only do i not have any friends with a name beginning with this quirky, quality letter; no one even has the quick-witted thought to create an email address with it? come on guys: even Z and X have entries!

according to Dictionary.com: Q is the superfluous letter of the modern alphabet. a questionable judgement, if you ask me. sure, there are no american states beginning with the letter Q and maybe having characters from science-fiction sitcoms and James Bond films named "Q" isn't worth having the letter. but imagine a world without the voluptuousness that is the letter Q...

there wouldn't be a way to say the name for anti-submarine ships (Q-ship) or to characterize filters in engineering (the Q-factor). there wouldn't be an international licence plate code for Qatar or a stock symbol for Qwest Communications. we'd have to come up with new shortcuts to say "equational programming language" in computer science, to write "electric charge" or "heat" in physics, and to adequately represent "quantity" in economics. hell, there would be no such thing as quantity without Q!

and don't get me started on Queens. i'll be the first to relinquish our nation's fascination with the British, and i've never been to the city. but for the love of Texas Hold 'Em, don't do away with my ladies.

speaking of which, at least the Encyclopedia section of the aforementioned dictionary admits: Q is an acronym for "queer", an appropriation of the historically pejorative word, now used neutrally or positively by those who strongly reject traditional gender identities. now what better reason than that to keep the old queeture around? that, AND Queer-a-oke at the Midway, that is.

wait--am i saying i have no queer friends? or just that i have no "I'm Here; I'm Queer" friends...no one, anyway, that is appropriating the "historicaly pejorative" term in their email address. come on, now you Q's. where's the queer-mail? send me some! reclaim the Q! please...if not for your own identity's sake, at least for my g-mail address book...

and, please, let's not forget the quintessential reason for not doing away with the letter Q.

[new]definition of my blog...

2006-01-27T07:35:00.000-08:00

how can i be a working class writer with hip-hop taste like this?

2006-01-18T12:16:00.000-08:00

*sigh*

speaking of spring...

2006-01-05T13:22:00.000-08:00

JT made it on the films to see list!. while i think this review is more about hype than substance, i can't wait to check it out!

mr. ellipsis called; he wants his true nature back

2006-01-05T10:13:00.000-08:00

this has been annoying me...

i know i OVERUSE ellipsis, but at least i am using them correctly.

according to my favorite dictionary, the definition is:

el·lip·sis n. pl. el·lip·ses

The omission of a word or phrase necessary for a complete syntactical construction but not necessary for understanding.

in literature, chekhov has been the only one to get away with stretching/deconstructing the "accepted" function; even still, he adheres to the above definition mostly.

in life (and in blogs, for gee-$'s sake), please do not use them IN PLACE OF another form of punctuation. for instance, the "dash", or the even more popular "bullet."

just so we are clear: the only time ellipsis are appropriate at the beginning of a setence/paragraph is if you are continuing the thought from the previous sentence/paragraph. not if you're continuing your thought from last week.

yes, i'm a stickler for that old mr. grammar (except, of course, capital letters which are actually leftover from patriarchy dayz gone by); but surprise me. maybe you can be the next chekhov...or maybe, you'll just be yet another ineffective blogger.

stay tuned next week for "parantheses" (which i readily admit i not only overuse, but use incorrectly!)

Dad's Christmas Money

2005-12-30T15:07:00.000-08:00

well, there goes my RING.

instead, i bought four pairs of shoes at zappos, including new sneaks! (sorry guyz, i went with the keds. they really are my favorite. but thanks for voting)

yay!!!

breaking news!

2005-12-28T11:00:00.000-08:00

because i am whipped by g-mail and all things google, i've decided to start a new blog.

also, i started my last one (see my links over there ------>) when i graduated from my BA program at simmons. now that i'm about to graduate from my MFA program at lesley, i think i should make another change.

hey--maybe this time i'll *really* blog!!!

no, probably not...

p.s. stay tuned for new year's resolutions...also known as, more dreams never to be reached.